The Chesapeake Bay & Jesus

I didn’t always know God. There was a time when he was an idea to me. There was a time when he was an idea I argued against. A government conspiracy, I argued, and when things went wrong as they so regularly did – he was the one I blamed. I denied him in my sanest moments, and acknowledged him when I needed somewhere to point my finger.

While my home life wasn’t a dream, my social life was, and this is where I lived. My identity, my joy, and my affirmation was found in the approval of my peers. Yet, when reality was persistent and weakness overcame me, I would break the facade and confront him. I would say, “If you’re there I hate you – if you exist why do you allow so much evil?” I’m convinced now that I knew he was there all along, but was as much confused with his identity as I was my own. I didn’t realize that freedom came from uncloaking his identity, not from disguising my own. And this isn’t my full testimony, but a tiny piece to my big puzzle of a story. A tiny, important piece.

I found God alone on the Chesapeake Bay.

My mother didn’t talk me into this, though she always had some sort of faith. In fact, my decision to free myself into the truth of Jesus inspired her to pursue her own faith in more depth.

The story goes as so – Alone I sat, under the stars and before the water thinking, praying, wishing, dreaming of answers to this painful and very lonely life. To me the answers came in the form of a spirit – in the form of peace and understanding and the breaking of chains. While I’ve always allowed fear to hold me back, in this moment I allowed fear to accelerate me into the unknown. I literally screamed for Jesus in the dark that night, a conspiracy theorist giving into vulnerability, and at the same time relinquishing my slavery to this world. I found God alone on the Chesapeake Bay and I’ve never looked back.

That was 10 years ago, and the journey continues.

Trials and tribulations still come, but their visit is not as threatening. I am fully convinced that nothing can stand against the power of the one true God. I am fully convinced that he is the author and creator of love and that our world was designed to function on love alone – as much as a vehicle needs gasoline to run.

Humans will always be flawed. Humans will always fail you. Even the best ones. The beauty comes in loving them anyways. That’s where I found my freedom.

I realized this unconventional dysfunctional life can still be one worth living. Where I came from did not determine where I was going, and I could do all things through “He who gives me strength.”

The best part is, not only was I free to run into my future relinquished from chains of guilt, but I was also free to love those who deeply hurt me in the past, with no form of reconciliation needed.

I think that’s one of those things that kills us most as humans – not allowing ourselves to love when we so badly need to. But when you realize you can love others regardless of their disposition to you – there is nothing more liberating. When you realize Jesus was denied over and again throughout his time on earth yet still pushed forward with relentless passion and determination, and goes on to being the greatest name and act of love ever known, you will realize how truly free you are.

There is another world that exists beyond the limitations of our understanding. It’s not always easy – like any great love, I fight for it daily. Like any great love, I have to make intentional efforts to keep my relationship alive and well.

Many times I fail. Many times I fall so very short from living in the freedom of this truth, and instead I give into the lies of anxiety and depression.

But He is always there waiting, time after time, patiently and with arms open wide. A truly unconditional love, a father to the fatherless – I found my freedom in.