Why I Said Yes

Sleep deprived, hung over, and anew in the name of creativity.

He’s going to ask me, and I’m going to say yes.

Love is an interesting thing. It bores life out of you in areas you thought you were already living. It’s a euphoria no drug can compete with. It’s a test of courage, it’s a demand of bravery, and if there’s a greater risk in life than to fall into this euphoric hazard I have yet to find it.

He’s a pain in the ass, and the sweetest thing I’ve ever known. We sing at church together – and I chase him down when he’s drunk. It’s a balance of extremities, like any good thing.

It’s ironic that the first actual words out of my mouth upon looking at him were “Oh my God, I’m in love,” or maybe it’s just life. I remember in the early months looking at him and thinking how – how, on God's earth, is this human being so beautiful? Designed in a dream and created like a wish – he stood before me, untouched and breathtaking – Proving to be true not only in appearance, but also in soul.

I judged him initially, assuming him to be ignorant, egotistic, and entirely not my type simply based on context – the same things I complain that I’m judged for. He was a model, an actor, and a server in West Hollywood. Give me a break, I thought. I knew LA would be the death of me when it came to men, and he was the epitome of this causality.

It’s a funny thing to believe you are more equipped to do life than another human being. It’s a funny thing to put yourself above another and to believe you have nothing to gain from them. Don’t hinder yourself in this way.

I agree to one date. We wine and dine on a rooftop in the city of angels and he shares with me faith, and ambition, and dreams, and passion. He’s a business owner, a churchgoer, an explorer, and lost. He is greatness both shared and suppressed. He is aware of his strengths and unaware of his value. He was born four years before me but I’m older. We form a mutual obsession of interest and curiosity. To me he was danger and life, and to him I was softness and light. He pursues me like an addict, and after fear and skepticism I give in to what I wanted all along and allow myself to fall fast into this beautiful void.

And then the dark days came; in the way life usually goes.

We suffer in agony. We drowned in pain. Decisions that tore our hearts from our chest – all with the blood on his hands.

With time and prayer the Lord brought back light, and he brought the light through him – brighter than ever – the one with blood stained hands. All of our hands are bloody at some point, whether we know it or not. We live in depression and darkness and confusion until we wake up and realize that we don’t have to. Until we realize we have the option to live differently, to see differently. Until we wash our hands clean.

So he is broken and numb and existing but not alive. By the grace of God and his own resurrected humility he is born again with new eyes. He sees clearly. He learns peace. He is love and strength, stronger than ever. He is determined, he is confused, he is honest. He is trying, and selfish, and selfless, and human. He succeeds. He fails. He admits his faults and tries harder. I adore him as a man. I admire him as a leader. He is beauty, and a changing story and I’m proud to stand beside him.

He loves in a way that was learned and gifted. It’s a gift anyone who crosses his path can testify to. He is joy, and laughter, and oblivious, and offensive, and if you get the honor of having a glimpse at his heart – you will be changed eternally.

He wants to get matching “Texas Forever” tattoos because it’s a quote from our favorite show. He’s never been to Texas, and this is only the least ridiculous of all his grand ideas. I’m never getting that tattoo, but I am going to marry him.

I worry. It’s what I’m good at. “You’re little and you worry,” he says. But I’m not worried about this agreement. I’m not afraid of the years to come. A four letter word I’ve picked apart and pieced together and researched most extensively my entire life – only to conclude that love is magic in the best way. Love is the one true saving grace. True love is fail proof, and the love we have is the truest I’ve ever known.

What I do worry about is missing this. What I do worry about is missing the point of human existence. We get confused and caught up and believe that our hobbies, and jobs, and bills are what it means to be alive. We get stuck in un-forgiveness, resentment, and pain. We get so distracted that time flies by and within the blink of an eye we miss it. We miss the essential truth that oftentimes there is purpose in our pain – that oftentimes out of pain bores beauty.

To be alive is to love and be loved.

To be alive is to love with your entire heart and soul, with fear and risk bullying you all along the way, yet relentlessly pushing further and falling deeper. Love is what fuels human existence, and on your deathbed it is the only thing that matters. Not your career accomplishments or social status or financial achievements. Just love.

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.” 1 Corinthians 1-3

There is a lot of hate in our world, a lot of pain, and tragedy, and injustice – but somehow love remains. Somehow, in all of the mess life has to offer, love has persevered in the human heart and is still accessible to us. In the midst of suffering, there is still love to be felt and to be given. That is the magic of it all. That is the purpose of it all.

The most beautiful thing I’ve ever known is the love and grace of Jesus. The second is the love I feel and receive from this man. I have never been more loved by a human being, and it’s a gift that has changed my soul. The regard he holds me to, the pedestal he puts me on, it’s all too high. Yet, I love humans better because of him, and that is no small thing.

Today, I love him with my entire heart and soul and every breath of existence. I will not risk losing the opportunity to be alive. I will not gamble my chances because I’m young, or because life is long. Life isn’t always long. These opportunities aren’t offered to everyone. I’m exceedingly blessed, I’m eternally honored, and I will say yes and I will mean it with every last beat of my heart.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13